A domestic violence survivor shares her story in this special report by The Leader.
If anyone knows what it’s like to fear for your life, it’s Jade Balmer.
The Nuriootpa mother of two is a domestic violence survivor, and has bravely agreed to share her story after recently being awarded a Concordis Scholarship by Foundation Barossa to assist her to achieve a Bachelor of Social Work.
Domestic violence is sometimes thrust into the media when the ultimate tragedy occurs, but there are thousands of stories of survival like Jade’s that go untold every day.
“I think that most women have experienced domestic violence or know someone who has,” Ms Clare McKay, Programme Manager at Northern Adelaide Domestic Violence Service told The Leader.
“One in three women experience domestic violence at some time in their lives, and one woman a week is killed due to intimate partner violence.”
A horrific example of that — the deaths of Hannah Clarke and her three young children in Queensland — was widely reported on earlier this year, but statistics show that far from being an isolated tragedy, women are dying with frightening regularity.
“Every time I hear another story of a woman being murdered, it can be a real trigger for me,” said Jade.
“I get chills and I think, oh God, that could have been me and my child. I’m very, very lucky that I’m still alive.”
While Jade’s story is one of survival, it is also so much more.
A now fiercely independent and driven 35-year-old, she is two years into her social work degree, volunteers with various local community organisations, and is in the midst of raising a six and 12 year old as a sole parent.
Foundation Barossa Executive Officer, Annabelle Elton-Martin described Jade’s strength, resilience and compassion as extraordinary.
“She is one of those people that leaves a lasting impact on you when you meet her,” Annabelle said.
Through adversity, Jade has found her calling to help others, and finally feels she has claimed back the life that was denied to her for ten long years whilst living under the control of her abuser.
In sharing her journey, Jade hopes she can inspire others to do the same.
The signs were always there
Power and control are at the core of physically and sexually abusive relationships, explains Clare McKay, but abuse can manifest in many ways.
“Intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, using the children, economic abuse, male privilege, coercion and threats are common tactics used by perpetrators,” Clare said.
“A large proportion of women who contact our service do not experience physical violence, rather financial, emotional and psychological.
“The Barossa area especially has high numbers of women who experience financial abuse.”
They’re all painfully familiar tactics to Jade, who, as a vivacious twenty year old, embarked on a new relationship with an old school friend part way through her training as a hairdresser.
She recalls it as being a fairly “regular” relationship in the early days, but serious problems surfaced after she became pregnant with the couple’s first child in late 2006.
“As soon as I was pregnant, it was all, ‘you’re mine now’,” said Jade.
“I didn’t think much of it then because I was young and I had very little experience with relationships and I didn’t really see it as a bad thing, but now I look back and think, the warning signs were there, even way back then.”
After the birth of her daughter, Jade was increasingly cut off from friends and family by her former partner, who controlled her with threats of suicide and multiple forms of abuse.
“He just had this idea in his mind that I was his possession and because we had a child he could use that child to manipulate me,” she recalled.
Jade was expected to go to work as well as take responsibility for caring for her daughter. At the end of the week, her pay cheque was confiscated.
“It was like being sent out as a slave,” said Jade.
“Most people think of abuse as just a physical thing, but for me it was mental, physical, spiritual, financial and sexual.
“If he could do it to me, he did it.”
The turning point
From an outsider’s point of view, the sticky question around why women don’t leave abusive relationships sooner can lead to incorrect assumptions and a shifting of responsibility onto the victim, explains Clare.
“When it is assumed that a woman who is a victim of domestic violence stays by choice, blame is taken away from the perpetrator,” she said.
“A fact is that the most extreme violence, including murder, often occurs when a woman tries to leave a relationship.”
Finances and housing are also barriers for women in being able to leave.
By mid 2014 and with a second child by then to care for, Jade felt like she had reached her “rock bottom” and was desperate to escape.
“There were times where I had physically left, tried to leave, suggested leaving at different points, and every time there was that manipulation, whether it be, ‘you can’t take my child away from me’, ‘you can’t be a single parent’ or ‘I’ll kill myself and our child if you leave’.”
But a terrifying “psychotic episode” which involved him rampaging through the house with an axe, chasing Jade and slashing up walls and furniture in front of their children was beyond recompense.
“It was at that point where I thought he’d done bad things, but that was one of the scariest moments of my life, someone coming at you with an axe,” said Jade.
“That’s when I started being a little more openly involved with SAPOL, because obviously they weren’t going to tolerate that.”
With her former partner forced to stay away, Jade received support from Northern Domestic Violence Service (NDVS), and was offered alternative accommodation for her and her children through what is now known as Cornerstone Housing.
However, evidence of her abuser’s deep-rooted control surfaced again when he managed to manipulate his way back into their lives.
“Basically once he got in the door, he wasn’t going to leave,” said Jade.
“It was his home, he was back in control again.”
While Jade had by this time suffered years of abuse at the hands of her former partner, the worst instance of physical violence was yet to come.
Lucky to be alive
It was March, 2015.
Jade had just returned home from school pick-up with her children, before ducking out for milk.
In the ten minutes she was out of the house, her former partner turned up and began terrorising her daughter.
“My motherly instincts kicked in and I automatically went in to defend her,” said Jade.
“I think now if I had been twenty minutes later or anything, I don’t know if my children would still be alive.”
Her former partner, in the grips of another “psychotic” state, turned on Jade and what followed was like a scene from a nightmare: A brutal “hostage” situation where Jade was subject to repeated beatings while her children hid in fear in the bedroom.
Jade thought she might die.
“I was drifting in and out of consciousness,” she said.
“He just basically beat me over a three hour period. I was screaming and I don’t know how anyone didn’t hear anything but maybe people did and they didn’t respond.
“He was telling me as he was beating me that he was going to kill me, that he wasn’t going to stop until I stopped screaming.”
In the midst of the crime, the perpetrator’s phone rang, a call which Jade believes saved her life.
“He went out of the room to answer and basically I thought, I’ve got nothing to lose here.
“I got up, clawed my way to the back door, crawled my way outside and hobbled to a neighbour’s house and called the police.
“I was so badly beaten I couldn’t even go back to see if my kids were still alive.”
The police arrived to find the children safe and Jade’s ex gone, but Jade was so terrorised that she signed a waiver refusing admission to hospital.
“They were saying, you could have a brain injury, they wanted to check me over properly,” she said.
“I just couldn’t go, I just wanted to be with my kids.”
A period of growth
Jade’s ex-partner was eventually caught and convicted of the crimes he had committed against her and a full intervention order was put in place to prevent him from contacting her or their children.
Jade describes the short time he spent locked up as her biggest period of growth.
Initially it was difficult to shake constant anxiety, even with him behind bars, but with support from services such as NDVS, Country and Outback Health, Gawler Domestic Violence Unit, Lutheran Community Care, Victim Support Service, Women’s Legal Service and programmes through St Petri Lutheran Church, Jade gradually let go of her fear, choosing to remain in her Nuriootpa home.
“I thought, I’m not going to let you keep controlling me, this is my turn to say, no. I’m going to take a stand and say, you can go to jail, and I’m going to stay in my own home,” she said.
Jade’s thoughts turned to how she could support her children, as her career as a hairdresser was in tatters due to PTSD and the physical fatigue and migraines she suffers as a result of the abuse.
Not one to rely on welfare, Jade saw a future in social work.
“I guess with what I’ve been through, some of the people that had helped me the most were social workers,” she said.
“There definitely needs to be more people in those sorts of fields, like domestic violence, homelessness and mental health... I saw a need for it, I guess.”
Jade completed Certificates II, III and IV in Women’s Education at TAFE, which qualified her for a place at university.
“Even just getting that offer, that first foot in the door, I thought this is where my life’s finally turning around,” she said.
Inspiring others
Telling a story like Jade’s takes courage, but her aim is clear: to inspire and to educate.
“It’s unfortunate that the only time we hear much about domestic violence is when something (severe) happens. It has to be taken to an extreme level for it to be publicised,” she said.
“My feeling is that there’s just not enough education about respecting each other in relationships. It needs to start at grassroots level in schools and home.”
Clare McKay agrees.
“Early intervention in schools would be great, education around respectful relationships,” Clare said.
“We need equal opportunities for women to help eliminate the power and discrimination against women that underpins violence, role modelling of good behaviour and community support in domestic violence raising awareness.
“No form of abuse is acceptable. It is damaging to the woman, her family relationships, her children and the broader community.”
Jade’s voice is a strong, unashamed and brave reminder that this problem belongs to all of us. She hopes her story of survival can encourage others to seek help, speak out and open the door on domestic violence.
“If I can even just inspire one person to think their life can change no matter what they’re going through, the challenges I’ve endured to get here have not been in vain,” Jade said.
“There is light at the end of the tunnel.”
Domestic violence survivor, Jade Balmer.
